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How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

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A lot of reasons can destroy your relationship with other people, and one of those reasons is fear of being abandoned. A relationship does not necessarily have to be romantic for a person to experience this emotion. This fear of being left alone can cause an adult to cling to a person who can be her sibling, cousin, best friend, parent, or lover. As long as the person has an emotional need to be close to another person, she would fear being left alone to cope up with her own devices causing her to do several acts that can be clingy and oppressive. On the other side of the spectrum, this fear of being abandoned can cause you to erect a wall against people, not letting them to get too close to you emotionally. Once you feel them breaking down your defenses, you start to withdraw and hold back on your emotions for fear of being left alone. The result would be you ending the relationship yourself, rather than suffer the pain and humiliation of having the other person do it for you.

What is the cause of this fear?

This fear is commonly stemmed through a history of abandonment as a child by a very important person in your life. Or, it could stem from a repeated history of rejection and abandonment by several people in different circumstances that can make you just want to scream “Enough!” With you ending up constantly fearing that each person that comes across your way would abandon you just like the other person has done.

How will I know that I or a person close to me has fear of abandonment?

Having this fear will have some different manifestations in an individual. Some exhibit behaviors that can cause you to want to break free; others show behaviors that they themselves are doing the breaking free process.

Reaching out: you always make it a point to connect with that person you cling to. You find the smallest of excuse to come up to their house or strike a conversation with them.

Anxiety: Once a relationship is established, you will start manifesting clinging tendencies like repeated phone calls when the important person fails to report his whereabouts, refuses to pick up the phone, or is not leaving any messages for you to know if he is still there for you.

Pressure: You then start exerting pressure on the other person by threatening harm to yourself such as slashing of wrist, drinking a corrosive substance, or overdosing of pills unless the person calls back. The scenario is repeated when the other person states desire to get out of the volatile relationship in a deeper and darker intensity.

Insecurity over the other person’s feelings and your own worth in the relationship: you will always ask to the other person just how much you mean to him. Does he love you as much as you love him? Are you as important to him and are you considered as a vital part of the relationship? These questions are asked over and over and over again, and can cause some heated arguments.

Relationship hopping: to eliminate the emotional drama, you may also find yourself having a relationship one after another without giving much of yourself in the process. As you hop from one person to another, you are the one who’s always ending the relationship no matter how secured you are to the person. This is due to the fear that that person will eventually leave you, and you might as well be the one to end the relationship altogether so you won’t be the one to get hurt.

Is there a way to overcome fear of abandonment?

There is a way for you to get out of this viscous cycle of love-hate relationship. The first thing you have to do is accept that you have abandonment issues that must be addressed.

Get professional help: counseling will help you pinpoint the root cause of your problem. It would also help you get a good look at the root cause of your problem and let you see your behavior in a different perspective. Your friends, family, and significant other will have to take part of this counseling. Your counselor will act as a mediator and an uninvolved third party that can look into your situation with an unbiased eye. The fear of being alone is also known as Isolophobia, Autophobia or Monophobia. You might not always mind being by yourself but you don’t like it to almost an extreme level. Now having an extreme fear of abandonment is slightly similar to the above phobias.

Express your fears positively: don’t resort to threats of personal safety to get the other person’s attention. Say that you are afraid of losing them, and you need help to control your fear. You can send them text and email messages, but lessen the frequency. State in your email that you’re getting anxious and upset over their lack of response and would appreciate it if they spare the time to send a short message in reply.

Get to know more about other available resources: there are groups that hold therapy sessions to help them get over their fear of abandonment. Self-help books about your fear can be a good source of material for information on the cause and tips on how to resolve it.

Preoccupy yourself with other things: if you find yourself obsessively thinking about the other person, stop it by engaging in other activities. Go out with other friends. Listen to light music that does not remind you of the person, or go out for a walk. Get a hobby, play a video game, cook yourself a gourmet meal, anything to keep your mind off thinking about what the person is doing.

Write your fears in a journal: One way to get your fears out is through writing. After you write them, read it over and over again. Eventually you will see that you fear the same thing over and over again, and it’s not healthy. It’s not only unhealthy, it’s foolish. Your fears are unfounded, and you have to learn to let it go.

There are other ways for you to help yourself get out of your fear of abandonment. Once you have decided face your problem and ask for help in solving it, you will have a better chance in having a successful relationship with any person without having to resort to dangerous emotional play.